It was few days back on a lazy afternoon at work, I was reading an article on Smita Patil. Her sister Manya Patil said, she died because the people she loved most chose to break her heart. Quite simultaneously my colleague forwarded me a link on how to deal with heart break through the instant chat.
The vermilion sun played hide-and-seek behind silhouettes of leafless trees outside my office. I got up, lit up a cigarette and took a deep puff. I desperately wanted to get rid of his memories from my heart with every puff. I thought that would ease my pain. I was lost in the sepia alleys of memories. Ashen and asymmetrical, abandoned buildings cover the place. Every lane is the same...the same grey in colour. Smoke fills the air... I feel claustrophobic.
I sat by myself looking outside the office window as time drifted away into oblivion. My empty cup of coffee seemed as desolate as the state of my mind. I scribbled on a notepad, ‘Life is but a fleeting memory, fading minute by minute’.
It’s been over few months since we had some real conversations. Yeah you kept on asking me how I am or how am dealing with this “situation”. I was never honest with you everything you tried asking me how I am. Maybe you read through me, maybe you didn’t, but maybe we both just got tired of hearing the same answers from each other.
When we stopped trying, I thought I was okay already, and I thought we were both alright. Then one night everything just turned on itself, it hurts, and it brought up a whole load of emotions that I thought I already resolved. I was really confused and angry that the past few weeks I’d spent trying to move forward were for nothing at all. That night, like rest of these days you kept silent, you refuse to utter any word – your silence bore a deep hole inside my soul and I kept on digging deep into it like a mad woman tries to dig out some unknown treasure from a garbage. I thought you’ll understand, I thought you will hold my hands and wipe my tears and tell me like you used to, “ I will never leave you alone.” But you didn’t. When your words were important to me, you chose to remain mum. You didn’t utter a sound, you watched me grieving, you knew what I wanted and you also knew how badly I wanted – but by this time I realized that its only me to wants them. Because for you, it’s a whole new world of decision making.
Today, while sipping my morning cuppa, I realized that I still love you. This is me, raw and unplugged, unashamed of saying that I still do. Just not necessarily romantically, but I do have feelings for you. And that love I have for you is probably the purest kind I’ve ever had, because even though you hurt me, even though you’re already living without me, I still pray for your well-being and that you’re okay. I still want the best for you and still see only the best in you. They usually say that “the first love never dies.” And it confused me because you aren’t the first person I thought I loved.
True love, they say, is a one way street. When you love someone, you never expect anything in return. And good relationships last because two lovers meet in the middle. Maybe we were both just too afraid to not be enough for the other, and so instead of expecting, we just held ourselves back and never really met anywhere.
|You think I've nothing better to do than to wait for you Pic: Beahnce|
You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue. – And that is all I felt for you!