The Problem with Perfection

32 26 32…. That’s the magic number right?

Who made this the magic number?

Who made fair, tall, thin, doe-like eyes, rosy lips is the ideal beauty, right?

Who set this standard?

I bet you desperately want to know the answers to these questions. I do too.

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do know that you have a greater problem with people around you who believe in these standards of beauty more than the people who made the norm. You probably have a problem with yourself too for believing these unrealistic standards of beauty and failing at achieving them.

Every new person you meet and of course the old acquaintances have an opinion about how you look, about the colour of your skin, your eyes, your nose, your lips, your pimples, your eyebrows, body hair, weight, height and what not. Strangely enough, these opinions are almost similar. We have all been culturally conditioned into believing these standards of beauty.

The problem is that we believe these stereotypical notions and examine ourselves on the basis of the set standards. We then tirelessly try to achieve these standards, go on diets, beauty treatments, ridiculous fitness regimes, sometimes even surgery. But then we end up feeling bad irrespective of whether we’ve achieved these goals or not, because this internal negative critique has transformed into a habit. Even when one fit into the perfect size, the happiness does not last, as the body image issues have become an integral part of people’s self-definition and anything else seems unfamiliar. 

Why does perfection need to be a punishing routine, leading to obsessive, rigid behaviour? Why should it rely heavily on judgement, and exclude normal life? Obviously, it isn’t meant to be a human trait. Human beings are designed to have flaws; perfection is meant for the Gods.

Usually we strive toward being perfect to compensate for a sense of inadequacy. People who want to be perfect usually have an exaggerated sense of their own shortcomings. They typically received messages earlier in life that they weren't good enough. So they decided that only by being perfect would they be beyond reproach. Perfectionists tend to think that other people are somehow better or superior to them, so they need to be without flaw just to catch up. 

Yesterday was one of those days when my urge to look appealing won over my common sense. So I finished all my household chores and went to the parlour. I am not the usual college going or young client so the look the hairdresser gave me told me everything he thought about me. I said that I had come for a hair treatment. He showed me to a chair. And then my ordeal started.

He started by saying that my hair was completely damaged and that nothing could be done. My hair lacked moisture and strength according to him. I felt that I had wasted a trip and was ready to leave since he said that there was nothing he could do.

He stopped me and said that he would try to do the necessary corrections (yes, that’s what he said). I sat there for two hours and all the time he was just telling me how bad my hair was. I listened to all of it and didn’t want to say anything while my hair was in his hands.

When he was done, the look he gave me reminded me of the ugly duckling story. I paid the bill, said thank you, and me being me, could not leave without telling him what I thought.

I told him that my hair was dry and unmanageable, which was the very reason for which I came to the parlour. I told him that he was giving me a service for which he was charging me and he should stop giving unsolicited advice. I said that I was well informed about the condition of my hair and also the remedies available. I tipped him nevertheless and walked out.

It is not the first time that this has happened; every time we go to a parlour, the beautician will reveal so many imperfections in our faces, bodies and hair that sometimes we may end up believing that we are really very ugly.

I know they are trying to promote their business and sell as much as they can but sometimes, even if rarely, it may dent our confidence.

It’s about time we too stop torturing ourselves and others with these unrealistic standards of the ideal beauty. Because hey, there is no ideal! So let’s start by accepting and loving ourselves. Let’s change the definitions of beauty; beauty is something very abstract anyway. Make a conscious effort not to judge people by their appearance and judge all ads that reinforce the irrational standards of beauty. 

And always remember that the character of your mind and internal being (soul, if you will) can never match the outward appearance, so turn a deaf ear to those voices that tell you about your bodily imperfections. So let’s flaunt the hairy and waxed limbs, flabby curves and bony edges, fair and dark skin, scars and dimples alike devoid of all filters.

Dream Job – Made in China

I had the perfect job. The one I always wanted—in an exciting industry, for a big name company, with a title that says I get to do what I love all day long. Except for that—well, I hate it.

It's painful to admit it. My job went from being the greatest job ever to being a horrible job. It took a few months so I didn't completely realize it was happening. And speaking from experience, the grieving and recovery process is quite long.

I know, at some point in your career – maybe at multiple points – you’re probably going to have a bad boss but when that person turns into a real nightmare, it’s explainable. And as it turns out, a terrible boss doesn't just impact the way you work in the office. It affects your entire life.

...And if your peers are women! Forget the sisterhood. Forget smashing a hole through the glass ceiling and throwing a rope ladder down to her younger female colleagues. The Queen Bee is alive and well and — watch out — possibly sitting at the desk next to you.

A Queen Bee is someone who has worked her way up to the top in a male-dominated organisation! Rest I leave it up to you to decide and in my case I had two of them.

I have been witness to people exploiting their positions for their personal gains. These ‘higher authority’s feedback were biased and echoed no work ethic. When the time came for my evaluations, my bosses gave me a 15 min. lecture about how to ‘act’ like the Queen Bees. I guess, such is the way to climb up the ladder in A-grade media houses in India. Shorter your pants, bigger your salary!

"In this economy," we're told, "you should be thankful you have a job at all." Well, yes... But also; no.

Being able to support yourself is important, of course, but anyone who is aware of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs will tell you that once your basic needs are covered, you'll automatically yearn for more. You may have a job, a home, a husband and children, and still wonder, 'Is that all there is?'

If you're young and ambitious, it's not enough to have a job - you have to have the job. There is so much emphasis on a coveted career: a job that doesn't just sound cool, but which gives other people a case of the green-eyed monster. When I was a kid, everyone wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. These days, we want to be do-it-yourself millionaires, zippy entrepreneurs or wacky internet personalities.

For the people stuck in this trap, the appearance of the job matters more than the reality. But why slave away to impress people you don't even like?

But , imagine you’re “living the dream,” as you told your proud parents and envious friends upon receiving the offer letter. When you walk through those fancy doors to your fairy-tale

job every day with Katy Perry’s “Firework” blasting in your head, all you can think is: “The perks! The title! The bragging rights!” Who cares that you’re working 90 hours a week and your boss is a borderline psychopath? You’ve “made it,” and there’s no looking back!

With time I figured out, I was spending most of my effort each day trying to take on the persona I needed for the position I wanted—a persona that just didn’t come naturally to me. It was exhausting, and no matter how hard I tried to force it to be a fit, it just wasn’t.

My admission came when I got off of work exhausted and bullied by my bosses, yet again, raced to the nearest pub to meet my girlfriends, and burst into tears when they asked how my day was. (Of course, while sobbing, I swore up and down, “I’m really happy though, guys!” until they held a compact mirror in my face and asked, “Oh, really? Is that what happiness looks like?” (Touché.)

I struggled to get past the feeling that I was giving up the perfect opportunity—the opportunity I’d been wanting for so long, one that “most people would kill for.” And one day, I decided to throw my resignation letter up on my boss’s face who’s nothing but a faff. And I did just that.

It took a while for me to recover from such a trauma. My fiancé who’s my husband now, were very supportive. At times, it’s very important to have a partner who understands your needs even before you say. Yes, here comes the best part of this job – I got married. And like a knight in armour (pun intended) R flew me in his (well...Indigo’s) jet and I went from a world of meetings and suits where people listened to my opinion to being a nobody writing a book in a cafe.

The dawn of A Nation Without Women

‘All women actually want is you to fuck the shit out of them.’

‘Women have always felt lust for rapists. It’s a fact that is easy to back up.’

‘Is it possible to rape a girl in a respectful way?’

Pic: Behance

These are just some of the shockingly vile statements I've seen online this week, as I delved into the world of so-called Men’s Rights forums, where young male users come from across the world. The horrifyingly aggressive face of modern misogyny, which appears to have taken root among our young men and boys, and the fact the internet not only provides a forum for such deep-seated loathing but increases the likelihood of it spilling over into real life.

Before I even attempted to look at these vile sites, I needed a crash course in a language that was entirely new to me. For starters, the ‘manosphere’ refers to the blogs, message boards and various sites where men specifically go to vent their resentment against women and/or learn how to successfully attract them or ‘pick them up’.

Like the latest smartphone or designer sunglasses, sex is increasingly viewed on these sites as yet another commodity there for the taking. In this warped world, young men believe themselves entitled to have sex with whomever they choose. The objectification of females is such that a girl who’s ‘up for sex’ with one person is necessarily ‘up for it’ with everyone. The sexual liberation of women has become distorted into something terribly dangerous.

My daily chores starts with reading newspaper and shockingly, there’s always something or the other about violence against women all throughout the globe. Even in the wake of 21^st Century, it’s the women who face the maximum outrage from the society. The actions of some of my fellow 'men' makes me sick.

Pic: Google Images

Whether she is a college student travelling in some train, a working woman returning home or a housewife walking on a road, from a child of tender years to a lady 65 years of age, no one is safe. My personal experience as an independent working woman staying in a different city seals the fact more. We talk about women liberalization, independence, equality et al. but one of the main reasons of violence against women is the mentality which deems women inferior of men and merely limits their importance to the maintenance of the household, the upbringing of children and pleasing their husbands and serving other members of the family. Every woman you meet, know or related to has been a victim of gender inequality – be its home, workplace, transport or just, anything! You will say not everyone feels the same. Yes, time has changed, yet attitude towards women have never been changed. To understand better, one has to get to the root cause of the problem. It has all started ages ago, where men are thought to be gods and powerful and women to be just like slaves for household works.

Everyone asks me to carry a pepper spray, some even suggested to take some martial art classes and others simply instructed me to carry knives in my bag. My question is why? Why do I have to carry so many things to remain safe in MY country where I pay my taxes and adhere to other norms just like any other MEN? Why I can’t smoke in a public place but a man can pee on the roads in a broad day light? Why can’t I wear shorts and go to my local grocer’s shop and not a single man will look at my legs salaciously? Why can’t I go for a walk late in the evening? Why should women or feminists have to fight this battle? This isn't a feminist battle this a battle of HUMANITY. Granted, it is women who are being humiliated, but in essence their tormentors are both, men and women. Carried out by men, but assisted by other women's silence and acceptance. The depravity is nauseating. As for “boys will be boys”, it sums up the prevailing attitude towards females.

Pic: Behance

Police don't care, bureaucrats are indifferent, politicians find women seductive — it's the entire regime. Every time, I read some attacks on women I think thank God! It’s not me. I often ask myself, am I safe in my own country? Why do I need to extra careful while dressing up, walking across the streets or lighting up my cigarette? Is it really an offence to be a woman? No. I AM a woman and proud to be one! But those myriad questions still haunt me whenever I step out of my house and read about obnoxious attitude towards us. Enough of Women’s Day and all that jazz. Give women what they need the most – respect, love and equality.

The actual need of the hour is a revolutionary change in the mindsets and conscience of every men around the world and just not in India, so that they stop seeing women as objects of sexual pleasure. Don't teach you daughters what not to wear, rather teach your sons how to respect women of all ages.