It was few days back on a lazy afternoon at work, I was
reading an article on Smita Patil. Her sister Manya Patil said, she died
because the people she loved most chose to break her heart. Quite
simultaneously my colleague forwarded me a link on how to deal with heart break
through the instant chat.
The vermilion sun played hide-and-seek behind silhouettes of
leafless trees outside my office. I got up, lit up a cigarette and took a deep
puff. I desperately wanted to get rid of his memories from my heart with every
puff. I thought that would ease my pain. I was lost in the sepia alleys of
memories. Ashen and asymmetrical, abandoned buildings cover the place. Every
lane is the same...the same grey in colour. Smoke fills the air... I feel
claustrophobic.
I sat by myself looking outside the office window as time
drifted away into oblivion. My empty cup of coffee seemed as desolate as the
state of my mind. I scribbled on a notepad, ‘Life is but a fleeting memory,
fading minute by minute’.
It’s been over few months since we had some real
conversations. Yeah you kept on asking me how I am or how am dealing with this “situation”.
I was never honest with you everything you tried asking me how I am. Maybe you
read through me, maybe you didn’t, but maybe we both just got tired of hearing
the same answers from each other.
When we stopped trying, I thought I was okay already, and I
thought we were both alright. Then one night everything just turned on itself, it
hurts, and it brought up a whole load of emotions that I thought I already
resolved. I was really confused and angry that the past few weeks I’d spent
trying to move forward were for nothing at all. That night, like rest of these
days you kept silent, you refuse to utter any word – your silence bore a deep
hole inside my soul and I kept on digging deep into it like a mad woman tries
to dig out some unknown treasure from a garbage. I thought you’ll understand, I
thought you will hold my hands and wipe my tears and tell me like you used to, “
I will never leave you alone.” But you didn’t. When your words were important
to me, you chose to remain mum. You didn’t utter a sound, you watched me
grieving, you knew what I wanted and you also knew how badly I wanted – but by
this time I realized that its only me to wants them. Because for you, it’s a whole
new world of decision making.
Today, while sipping my morning cuppa, I realized that I
still love you. This is me, raw and unplugged, unashamed of saying that I still
do. Just not necessarily romantically, but I do have feelings for you. And that
love I have for you is probably the purest kind I’ve ever had, because even
though you hurt me, even though you’re already living without me, I still pray
for your well-being and that you’re okay. I still want the best for you and
still see only the best in you. They usually say that “the first love never
dies.” And it confused me because you aren’t the first person I thought I
loved.
True love, they say, is a one way street. When you love
someone, you never expect anything in return. And good relationships last
because two lovers meet in the middle. Maybe we were both just too afraid to
not be enough for the other, and so instead of expecting, we just held
ourselves back and never really met anywhere.
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| You think I've nothing better to do than to wait for you Pic: Beahnce |
You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still,
it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone,
not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you
have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not
the tongue. – And that is all I felt for you!
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