The day when my office colleagues were thanking God for making it a Friday, I wished THAT day should had never come.
As we were about to finish the day's work, the two top honchos came to my office and declared I am redundant for the company. It took me two more minutes to digest the whole idea and put a very, very fake smile to say, “That’s alright!"
I needed to pack up my belongings and leave the building in a month's time. In other words, I was fired. All these years of my career were over in a snap. I was devastated and I was bitter. I went to my empty, rented house… feeling every bit the victim.
This was the time I needed the money the most! I needed money to pay for my shelter in a strange city, I needed money to save, I needed money to eat food, I needed money to travel - like the rest of us, I needed money. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to make them pay for the injustice. I wanted someone to suffer!!
I left my high-flying job and a family of ever-supportive parents back at home. I left the comfort zone, just for this position. I sacrificed the guy who held my hands for the last time in Kolkata and said," Don't go!"
And here I am, devastated, bitter and repentant. From the second minute, I was browsing through several job-boards and waiting desperately for an answer. "I just lost my job... now what? What should I do?"
The next day was a Saturday and I spent the entire day applying for jobs. All morning and afternoon. And when my friends asked me how it is going, they were shocked to see my expression...that I never wanted to show. It’s pure embarrassed frustration. I felt as if my pride has been thrown to the wolves. I have never been a very aggressive employee and thankfully my boss supported me to find an answer for my termination - a better employment. I was so shocked that I didn't even have the guts to cry my soul out.
At work, I was dying a slow death at my desk every day. Suddenly my days are numbered. It takes a lot of mindfulness to keep my mind from wandering, or gaze from flicking to my phone. I was desperate like a hungry lioness. I blamed the world, time and again. I felt helpless and guilty to leave home, my job as a page 3 reporter, some brilliant friends and a loving boyfriend behind to get into the career-bandwagon. And the cherry on the top, I have to let my creative juices flow. I need to create brilliant articles.
There has never been a second, where I haven’t thought about the devastating effect of the situation. I just lost the ability to pay my bills, provide medical coverage for my family and last but not the least, to SURVIVE. Shock, panic, fear, anger, depression, and resentment cropped up in my head.
My boss gives a look at me and tells me, “Get to my office right now and let's get a game plan. We can work it out. It's not so difficult." - These words were like a balm to my bruised confidence. He helped immensely in whatever little way he can. My friends, acquaintances, colleagues – everyone is more than supportive. Suddenly fining a job was just not my own responsibility. It was for all of them. They all started getting recruitment news. They used their contacts, and those contacts used theirs. I felt grateful, thankful and a bit less strained.
There are some time, when I know I don't know whether to scream, go blind or eat an apple. It is funny and very, very strange and hard.
When I go to an interview, I know I need to act smart, intelligent, confident etc. etc. - but only a part within me knows how difficult it becomes to be someone with a broken identity and uncertainty lurking around the corner.
I am hopeful. I am certain. I know 'this too shall pass'. But...